Friday, February 3, 2012

It's About Right Now

In my blog post, “A Lightning Strike,” I articulated exactly what it is that I eventually want in a future, long term relationship. However, I am not sure that I properly emphasized the words “future” or “long term.” Everything that I talked about in that post is what I want. I just don’t want that right now, and I think I failed to get the point across in that particular post. I do know exactly what I want- but what I want now and what I want in the future- those are two very different things. So for this post I am going to write about what I want currently, right now. 
As I have mentioned on numerous occasions, I somewhat, recently got out of a very serious relationship. Five years; I spent the last five years (which is almost a quarter of my life) with the same person. And while they were some of the best years of my life, I am not looking to jump right back into that kind of relationship. I am not looking for Mr. Right. I am not even necessarily looking for Mr. Right Now.

See, my ex, (who, for the sake of all future posts, I am going to refer to as John Deere (JD) so that I can stop using the word ex- it just seems so harsh for regular conversation) sort of jumped straight from me to his new girlfriend- which is great for him- but I just don’t understand why, I guess. For the first time in basically my adult life, I am making decisions without wondering how they are going to affect another person. It’s not as though I was held back from doing the things that I wanted to do, but I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with JD; so in making life decisions I always took him into consideration. He was, for lack of a better portrayal, my ol’ ball and chain. See, I find there is something truly remarkable about freedom (please do not mistake me in my choice of words; I do not think that relationships are prison-like or restraining in any way- the right person can make your world completely limitless). In a way still, it does feel as though I am free to do anything; I can do whatever I want to do and go wherever I want to go. For example, sadly, I don’t think I would have considered that job opportunity in  Dallas if I were still dating JD. I want to keep those options open as I pursue graduate degrees and different career opportunities.

I am honestly enjoying being single. Sure, I have days where I feel lonely, and I do miss having someone to come home to at the end of the night. But after five years, I just feel that I need to explore my freedom, meet new people, and just have a good time. That is what I want right now. I want to continue to be on my own and to continue making decisions for me. With all that being said, I am completely open to something great if Mr. Right comes along; I will absolutely accept invitations to go out on dates or whatever, but I am not looking to force anything. Right now, if I were to consider dating someone, they would have to allow me to be alone without feeling alone- if that makes any sense. For right now, anyways... I am never opposed to my future-wants becoming present day realities. But for right now, I am happy on my own.

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