It was like it was yesterday. I can still remember walking (on crutches at this point) into the arena alone to talk with my head coach and a couple of administrators. We had spent about a month going back and forth on some disagreements regarding the direction that the program was heading. That day, I finally chose to “agree to disagree” and part ways with the program. I simply told them I was leaving, signed a few papers, and walked out. It took a total of 10 minutes. 10 minutes was all it took to walk away from a love I had spent years trying to perfect. Although it should’ve been a really depressing day, I remember feeling completely liberated and excited.
Don’t tell my dad this because he’ll
kill me… but I had to go to class right after the meeting. I drove my car to
the building the class was located in and parked Iight outside. While I was so
busy calling everyone that I knew to give them the news, I left the keys in the
ignition. I came out of class an hour later, frantically looking for my keys,
when I realized I had a 'blonde moment' and left the car unlocked, running on
Lindell Blvd the entire time. It was still there, thank God or I might not be
alive today. I just remember getting in my car and laughing to myself for
probably a good five minutes (which when you’re alone, is actually a very long
time.) This was honestly the first day of the life I have today.
Last year, you would not have even recognized
me. Everything that I did in college revolved around that field hockey team. I
hardly ever went out because of the team rules. I never joined a club because I
didn’t have time. I’ve never tried recreational drugs because of drug testing
(not that I necessarily want to, but on principle it’s one of those “everyone
is doing it” kind of things that I never got to do). I don’t want to say I was
robbed of a college experience because what I went through and the lessons I
learned are far more valuable than a college experience. Nevertheless, I do think I missed
out on things. I could write a book about all of the horrifying experiences I had
as a collegiate athlete. I don’t even like watching scary movies because it
reminds me of the crap I went through. Although the best writers in Hollywood couldn't come close to doing the experience justice. Reality was much worse than anything you could find on the big screen. Despite all the horrors and
insanities, my decision came down to the fact that no one
really cared as much as I did. Even my teammates; after the class above me
graduated, there was no sense of passion left. The school didn’t care. The administration
didn’t care. My coach didn’t care. They didn’t care about the program, the
team, or the players and they certainly didn’t seem to care about whether or
not we were successful. I cared though, probably a little too much. My whole world revolved around it all. In
the end, I realized I was just swimming up against a very strong current that
would no doubt take me under unless I chose to get to shore and put my feet on
solid ground.
This idea of caring too much is
crazy. I guess it’s a bit of a gift and a curse. Sometimes, I set myself up for disappointments and failures. Sometimes
I feel so strongly about something that it clouds my judgment, and I make
mistakes. But when I care and when I have passion for something, it is the most
incredible feeling in the world. Since I quit field hockey, I haven’t really
found that something that I can truly be passionate about. I love coaching the
sport, don’t get me wrong, but it just isn’t the same. I think that during this
past year, I’ve spent so much time trying to make up for lost time that I forgot to focus on finding something new
to care about. So I’m going to take the advice that I would give anyone in my
position, and “get a hobby"- something I hope that will allow me to float a bit easier down stream.
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